"If I were only prettier" and other myths about Desire

  Another myth reiterated by so many women of all ages and all stages of relationships, from dating to marriage, is one of the most insidious: "A man will desire me if I'm thin enough, kind enough, successful enough, pretty enough (etc.)...."

  My question to them is always the same: How thin, kind, pretty, sexy, successful, etc., is that? And what on earth does desire have to do with any of those categories? I can point to men (and gods) who desire women (and goddesses) whom other women wouldn't call sexy, pretty, or any of the rest.  Desire is in the eye of the beholder, and while yes, there's a social view of "sexy" and "desirable," you'd be surprised how wrong it usually is. Sexual desire isn't EARNED.  Sexuality has nothing to do with deserving, nor with the number of flaws you have, either physical or emotional. Your sexuality is in you, deep within you. Thinner thighs and a great haircut are swell, but what man gives a damn? Think of it this way, are the men whoi turn you on perfect specimens? And if so, by whose criteria? You're attracted to people for reasons that are inexplicable, and desire may be built upon, but not improved upon with a good haircut.

  Readers, please: Know that desire comes from within us, not from outside us. Becoming better--improving yourself somehow-- may make a nice weekend workshop, but it has nothing to do with bing loved. This need for perfection is a plague among young wives who fear that their marriages are in danger of turning tame--and that they must DO SOMETHING....they think that if only they were better the sex would be, too.....and then "better" becomes aspiring to thinner thighs. No, no, no. There's no end to anxiety once you believe that desire is about your legs or your skin, and your fantasy is that he will love you more if you improve.  Don't go there....we'll talk much more about this!

                           Happy Labor Day! Relax....

                             --The Love Goddess

Comments

[Anxious but Willing]

Okay, goddess, so sexiness lies within, but what does the goddess suggest specifically to make a woman feel her inner sexiness? Fantasy play? Give us some examples.

Anxious but Willing

[the love goddess]

Dear Anxious but Willing,
Once you know you're sexy, feel it in your bones--which is an inner "move" you make--the question of what to do with your partner is a relational move. You ask for examples, but really, I need examples from you before I can say whether fantasy play will work. Is yours a new or established relationship? Are you comfortable playing with each other, or are you feeling pressured to keep both libidos going? Is your partner's desire on a part with yours? Is this a question of wanting to share your desire, or of discovering a surprising new lack of it? You see, dear A but W, I need examples, too.....
TLG