Today's New York Times has a piece on the inordinate amount of talking young girls do, particularly about their problems. Researchers are mixed in their responses to this new round-the-clock interaction: Some say it saves them from therapy (I remember a wonderful essay some time ago by Katha Pollitt, who said, essentially, that the reason more women go to therapists than men is that no one else but a therapist will listen to a woman talk about herself for a whole hour). Others say the girl have a tendency to talk too much--endlessly, in fact--about their problems. The girls are, in other words, obsessing. Psychologists call it "co-rumination."
It got me to thinking about how we women, of all ages, tend to "co-ruminate" with men. We put excessive focus our problems--and then obsess about those problems WITH those men. May I point out that it doesn't work? Couples usually have just one or two issues that trip them up time and time again for years-- forever, in fact; and iit's usually some aspect of money, sex and children. Some psychologists say that one solution to obsession (that is, to co-rumination) is to problem solve, but if problem-solving hasn't worked over a few years' time, shouldn't we get it and give it a rest? I mean, assuming we're going to go back to these problems again and again over the duration of the relationship…..let's not bore ourselves and each other and just accept our issues as our issues (and that some will not be solved), and decide to talk about other things?
If, say, you've lived with your lover for three years and not once has he put the toilet seat top down after using the bathroom, and if, say, you've asked him to again and again and again…..you either have to decide he's a passive-aggressive, misogynistic monster whom you can't live with one more moment, or a forgetful, set-in-his ways guy who will never remember to put the toilet seat cover down.
Co-ruminating with him about this has not worked. Pointing out the rudeness and impoliteness and annoyance of it hasn't worked. So by co-ruminating you either waste more time expressing your distress to a guy who will simply forget yet again, or you put the seat down yourself and chalk it up to Compromise.
As one who has tried it both ways (and even on this issue, among others) with none other than Jove, I have found the latter solution (shutting up, when I can) most satisfying. In the end, I don't care enough about it to co-ruminate one more second.
--TLG
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