On online anti-elitism

Two more alerts for those of you going online, perhaps for the first time, to enter or re-enter the world of dating. We've covered some of the bad-news responses, but here are a few more.   

Bad grammar—I mean, really bad grammar, particularly in a person's profile (where, presumably, he or she is less likely to hurry through, and most likely to want to be well represented) is a turn-off. Don’t generously ignore a person's education unless you know for certain it will never matter to you. (What IS this thing we now have, as a nation, about suggesting that someone is "elitist" unless he or she acts folksy and drops his or her final consonants? Listen, we may try to make Presidents appear less educated and less wealthy by tucking them into cowboy boots so people will think he's just like them, but he isn't, and anyway, one wonders why they would they think it's a good idea for someone running the country to be just like them.) Try to remember that this may be just a date, but the person you date is also a prospective mate. He doesn’t have to have a law degree from

Columbia

, but you are, after all, looking for an equal.  And if someone is slightly more "elite" because he's educated and well-spoken (or appears to be), then I'd say that is a very good thing indeed. (I'd request someone who's "elite" to go out with if I were dating again.)   

This next one is tricky. This is the guy who sends you lots of pictures of himself with his buddies. There he is, with scores of women whose faces have been cut out of the photos, in ten or eleven fun-filled scenes at somebody's winter place at Vail. Beer bottles in the background. What’s he telling you? What’s he asking you?  Do you ski?  Do you want to? If so, swell. If not, be careful. Because if all these shots are in places you have no interest in, ask yourself—Do you want your face (cut out) in his next photo? Is this even where you'd like to be--even for a single outing?  Emily, a lovely 34-year-old woman, dating again after a divorce, kept getting messages from a man named Sam about the fun he has "at sea," plus scores of pictures to prove it, and even though Emily is allergic to the sun and gets seasick in a bathtub, finally went out with him—on a boat, of course--and was sick the whole time. If a man is showing you a life he loves and you’re pretty sure you won’t love it, let him find someone who will. Do not think for a second that the background of these pictures are meaningless, or happenstance. They say, very simply, where he wants to spend his time.  With or without you.   

 

TLG