Another thing to think about re: the Separated Man (you should know by now that I rarely blog only once on a subject!): He may well want back into the marriage he's separated from. In fact, he most likely DOES want back in, given statistics on the subject. (More women than men leave marriages; if his wife left him, he may be hoping she'll have him back--which is information he may not share with a woman he's dating while he's separated.) Even if he says he wants to be rid of his wife, or claims that the marriage is over, it's a stubborn, durable bond (it may break easily, but not break UP easily). Men are often very happy in their marriages, despite their complaints--and suffer profoundly outside it.
Which is simply to say that you, as the one dating this suffering man, are likely to get the very short end of the stick.
"But he HATES her," you say. Yes, well, hate is as passionate as love, sometimes, and keeps this man as emotionally involved with his wife as he once was when he loved her. As one separated wife told me, "He calls me every day to yell about something. He writes letters accusing me of something else. He speaks to my parents, rails at my friends. If he'd been this involved when we were together, maybe we still would be."
And if he truly doesn't want back in? Then he's grieving. Which means he feels like a failure, or a heel, or a victim. And he hasn't processed any of it. So you are in the middle of some guy's anger, denial, bitterness, and so forth.
Oh, and separated people haven't worked anything out--like child custody arrangements. Financial arrangements. Permanent living arrangements. What fun to be in the center of those!
Look, I'm sorry to be sarcastic, but a lovesick woman in the middle of two people fighting over custody, childcare, daycare, children' s affection, and money….well, romantic it ain't. His world--with lawyers, accountants and in-laws screaming at each other--is a galaxy away from your world. If you enter it, you enter Hell. If you don't, you stare at each other in mutual incomprehension, wondering what the other is thinking. One thing is sure: With all that on his plate, he's not thinking about you.
So if only one in a hundred "I dated a divorced man and we're still dating" stories comes my way, I'd say one in five thousand "I dated a separated man and now we're still dating," does.
Do the math. And then, when a separated guy asks you out, say "Sure--call me a year after you're actually divorced" and be on your way--and make this Love Goddess happy.
TLG
Of course if you're in the middle of your own divorce war, the two of you just might make a perfect match, misery loving company, as the mortals like to say. The trouble is - you could easily more than double the trouble and misery you already have. His wife might not want him any longer but that doesn't mean she's cool with anyone else having him. At least not until she's finished divorcing him. In fact, she probably isn't. And then there would be your estranged spouse. Bad enough that your own names have to show up in your own divorce papers.
If you truly want to offer him care and comfort, be a friend and give him the name and number of a good talking therapist or suggest he talk with his clergyman if he has one.
If all goes well, a year or more after your divorces are final, he will remember your wise act of kindness and still have your phone number tattooed to the back of his hand. He may even appreciate the erotic power behind your demonstrated prudence and restraint. He'll be ready to begin an entirely new acrimony-free conversation with a lovely nymph just like you and you will deserve all of the respect and gratitude he ought to be sweetly expressing to you on your first marvelous date.
GOL
Posted by: God of Love | October 30, 2008 at 10:35 PM
Of course if you're in the middle of your own divorce war, the two of you just might make a perfect match, misery loving company, as the mortals like to say. The trouble is - you could easily more than double the trouble and misery you already have. His wife might not want him any longer but that doesn't mean she's cool with anyone else having him. At least not until she's finished divorcing him. In fact, she probably isn't. And then there would be your estranged spouse. Bad enough that your own names have to show up in your own divorce papers.
If you truly want to offer him care and comfort, be a friend and give him the name and number of a good talking therapist or suggest he talk with his clergyman if he has one.
If all goes well, a year or more after your divorces are final, he will remember your wise act of kindness and still have your phone number tattooed to the back of his hand. He may even appreciate the erotic power behind your demonstrated prudence and restraint. He'll be ready to begin an entirely new acrimony-free conversation with a lovely nymph just like you and you will deserve all of the respect and gratitude he ought to be sweetly expressing to you on your first marvelous date.
GOL
Posted by: God of Love | October 30, 2008 at 10:37 PM
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Posted by: cherry | October 30, 2008 at 10:38 PM
Of course if you're in the middle of your own divorce war, the two of you just might make a perfect match, misery loving company, as the mortals like to say. The trouble is - you could easily more than double the trouble and misery you already have. His wife might not want him any longer but that doesn't mean she's cool with anyone else having him. At least not until she's finished divorcing him. In fact, she probably isn't. And then there would be your estranged spouse. Bad enough that your own names have to show up in your own divorce papers.
If you truly want to offer him care and comfort, be a friend and give him the name and number of a good talking therapist or suggest he talk with his clergyman if he has one.
If all goes well, a year or more after your divorces are final, he will remember your wise act of kindness and still have your phone number tattooed to the back of his hand. He may even appreciate the erotic power behind your demonstrated prudence and restraint. He'll be ready to begin an entirely new acrimony-free conversation with a lovely nymph just like you and you will deserve all of the respect and gratitude he ought to be sweetly expressing to you on your first marvelous date.
GOL
Posted by: God of Love | October 30, 2008 at 11:04 PM
I'm thrilled to have such smart, wise comments from the wise man calling himself the GOL. I admit that I feared that some men might get testy about my words, as they sometimes do when I warn women away from them, even for good reason); instead, I'm greeted with extraordinary good sense, empathy and good advice.
Yes, GOL, I forgot to include the fact that the separated man's wife, however unhappy with her mate, is still married to him and surely won't like him to see anyone else. (I know people divorced from each other for years who go crazy when their former mates find love again.) An angry, jealous wife can mean--to you, the new girl dating her husband--serious trouble and both emotional and legal complications for him. Yes, get him to a counselor or a clergyman. And yes, be as kind as you wish when you tell him to call back a year after his divorce. YOu're not trying to punish the guy for what's going on his life, only to protect yourself it.
TLG
Posted by: thelovegoddess | November 03, 2008 at 11:31 AM