As much attention as I've paid to what you should say in your profile, women have been telling me recently that some men pay no attention at all, anyway. "They like my picture and that's as far as they looked," one woman tells me. "I might as well have written the rest in Greek for all the attention my words got." Now that (looking at the picture) could be just, well, a guy thing. But I don't think so. You wrote your profile for a reason, one of which is to suggest who you are and what you're looking for in a companion, even if it's a temporary one. So if, from the moment you begin exchanging e-mails, these wishes are ignored outright, that's a big red flag. And if your words just manage to get subsumed into a guy's lengthy discussion of himself, with no time for your own contribution, I have bad news: he may be totally adorable, but he's very obviously not, as the book put it, into you.
Be warned.
Be especially alert to a talkative (online) person who claims he wants a soulmate, but seems to want to talk at you. A soulmate is interested in connecting. If a man (or woman) is clearly more interested in snowing than knowing you, remember: Nonstop, one-way talk--particularly about things that may not interest you one bit--suggests not a potential relationship (an interaction, after all), but something more one-way. Like a lecture. Or a diatribe. And unless you want to do little else but listen, get it straight right away. Make sure, too, that if you decide you want to meet him, he also wants to meet you. I mean, in person. On your timetable. You didn't go online for a pen pal.
A person who reveals himself to be a solo act might be a delightful one-man-show, but once you no longer feel like applauding, will eat up most of your time and energy and leave you not with a new boyfriend, or even a nice dinner companion, but alone and with a computer-generated headache. Oh, and another thing: Are you exhausted just dealing with him online? Then imagine what it would be like later on. And ladies, never, ever,read your own exhaustion as some deficiency in yourself—something you should learn to overcome in the name of not being alone and in order to have a relationship. No. It takes nurturance and care to have a relationship, but it shouldn't deplete you. Because the nurturance and care should be a two-way thing. And if it makes you feel really REALLY tired, consider that it is not at all what you want. A relationship goes somewhere; it doesn't make you want to take a nap. It feels hopeful, not enervating. If it feels like something you can't do rather easily, once again, I urge you, press DELETE. Being alone is a far, far better thing than being with someone who makes you feel lonely. That's the worst.
TLG
Wow. This is wonderful. What an inspired idea, to update, as it were, your dating advice for the online era. It's such a huge part of how people meet today. (I've never understood it -- because physical chemistry and the sound of someone's voice are such deal-makers or -breakers for me -- but, well, I guess there's the telephone.)
Posted by: amba | October 27, 2008 at 12:39 PM