On Separated Men and Transitional Women

     This Goddess does not talk about Love in the same sentence as separated men. Not that I have anything against separated men outside the context of Love--after all, people separate before they get divorced. What I have against them IN the context of Love is that if they're not divorced yet, they're not remotely ready to be in a new relationship. 

     So when  woman says to me, "No, you're wrong, he's left her, and he lives separately, and he no longer loves her," I simply say, "Talk to me about him once they've actually divorced."

     Why am I so hard-nosed about this? Because I'm The Love Goddess. I don't like my girls to get hurt. And a man who is getting a divorce is right up there with the married man, in the annals of heartbreak tales (of which I've heard maybe twenty thousand)....for, like the married man, he IS a married man.  

     Worse, because you have convinced yourself otherwise, and believe that he's actually available ("They're living separately!" you promise me), you don't even have the emotional defenses up that you'd have if he were just the run-of-the-mill married guy--defenses that you'd use (albeit unsuccessfully) to warn against getting serious. You are simply what's known in the trade as The Transitional Woman. And the Transitional Woman (the TW), statistically speaking, does little else than provide sustenance to a man who, once he gets through the mess of his divorce (or returns to his mess of a marriage), says "Thank you very much," and moves on to someone new. That is a fact. The woman having an affair with a separated man is statistically unlikely to be his next wife, or even his next serious girlfriend. Why? Because she came into his life too early. He wasn't ready to love again. And the readiness, you remember, is all.

     In a random interview with several men who even remember their Transitional Women, few have anything truly fond, or even grateful, to say. Most remember only the muddle. Some feel the pang of guilt ("Good Lord, what I must have put her through,") and others, a kind of self-forgiving regret ("I had no business seeing someone at that point…but I needed support"). But the ones that stand out for me are those who spent months with their TW, getting nursed through the pain of separation, and can barely remember her. "She was incredibly kind to me, I do remember that. And she had red hair, I think. Nice tea she gave me: chamomile, I think. I remember lying on her couch for hours, while she fed me, not knowing what to do next."  But here's the clincher: I asked hm, "What did you do when you felt good again?"

    "Well,  I was in a whole different place.  I was looking for a good time."

     "And what was the problem, for her, with a good time?"

     "She seemed so troubled."

     "Could it be because she had been through the wringer with YOU?"

      "Yup. Could be. But still. I mean,  I didn't owe her anything. Or maybe I did, but that didn't mean I was obligated to continue seeing her."

     

      Get the picture?   

 

       Heed my words, my dear girls!

         

           -- The Love Goddess

Comments

[God of Love]

Listen up, my little nymphs: The Love Goddess is absolutely right - a divorcing man is still a married man no matter how separated he is from his wife.

So, if you like him, fine, why not approach him as an opportunity to hone your skills at developing strong healthy interpersonal boundaries?

Be his friend but keep it platonic. After all, an open honest friendship is the key to any long-lasting true love and it IS true love you are seeking, is it not?

If he insists on sex or romance at any time before one full year after his divorce becomes final, show the little randy pantsed satyr to the door. If he doesn't want you as a true friend, believe me, you don't want him at all, I don't care HOW many wine cups he can balance on his erect penis.

GOL