Doing Your Own Thing--Not the "Bliss" Thing--part 3

What if Janet, in my last blog, hating dating as she does, decided to take herself off the net for a couple of weeks and stopped dating? Just stopped. Until she had a true desire to start again.

 What if, in tackling the fear that overtakes Kristin when she thinks, OMIGOD IT'S CHRISTMAS AGAIN, I'M GOING TO BE 37 AND I'M STILL SINGLE AND MY CLOCK IS TICKING AND MY MOTHER IS HYSTERICAL!, she did something new, too. What if she were to step away from the overwhelming task she’s set for herself-- the task of finding a man to love, then to marry, then to become the father of her child--and deconstructed the story so it had fewer parts? Then took on one part of the story at a time?

 To wit: Suppose that, in thinking about her options, she realized her baby lust was her primary concern--not the man, not the marriage. She could then look into the possibility of having a child on her own. Complicated? Yes, but not as complicated as having to find the whole gadilla--the man to love and to marry--quickly, by next TUESDAY, and all in order to bring her a child.

She might think of having a child with a close male friend who might also want a family and would share in the child’s upbringing. She might talk to adoptive parents, foster parents, and see how they feel, and how they did it. She might find out what kind of financial picture she’d have to present to become a single mom; canvass her friends about what kind of support she’d need and get from them. She might consult a sperm bank, or look into surrogates.  

           But, you say, none of these options is ideal. There are philosophic, religious, social drawbacks to each; they’re all so....imperfect. They don’t fit the bliss picture we all carry in our psyches.

           You’re right. They aren’t The Cosby Show. They’re not the endings of the fairy tale.  But, my darling earthlings, let's be real: coupling isn't perfect, either. There's the 50 percent divorce rate to consider, and the fact that so many new marriages end. There's the fact that sixty percent of all divorces are initiated by wives. These aren't what you'd expect to emanate from the Bliss Picture, but they do.Yes, Kristin would love the package the way she's for so long dreamed it, but she can have the parts of the package that matter most to her. And not be doomed, like the heroine in the old tale, to wait around till given it.   

           She will hear voices accusing her: How dare you get what you need in this unconventional way! How dare you create a life geared to your particular needs and dreams and desires! How dare you proceed without a man! How selfish you are! Yes, getting your needs met for yourself, piece by piece, moment by moment, with an eye to the future but a heart in the present, is crucial to happiness. It's what "bliss", ultimately, is. Don't let anyone stop you.

          Remember this: When you do what you want in a way that society doesn't like it, you are called unconventional.  And in all my days, years, centuries doing the work of the Love Goddess , I've found that the most unconventional people are the happiest. And the most unconventional couples are, too.

   

--TLG

          

Comments

[redlight]

I think that my reaction to all the pressure that Janet, Kristen and I put on ourselves whether it be "getting the right man," "getting a child at the right time" or " getting the right job" is so doomed. There is no right person, time or job. There is always the flip-sideor the down- side of everything.
People find their true love at 19 or 60 or one woman I met, at 81 and usually when they are not looking.
The stress all this creates and not to mention- the pressure- as these chocked- full and chocking feelings fester- kills; and in the scheme of things- if nothing else- robs you of precious time and energy.
Get thee to a yoga class or trim a really beautiful tree or go get the DVD of the original Pygmalion with Wendy Hiller. So much a part of life is suffering. Why are we so different from the rest of the world?
Let it go and just be. Stop- yes- stop the madness that we woman, no matter whether we are married, single, childless, too skinny or too old- heap on ourselves. Whatever happens happens and all these expectations are exhausting. As my daughter would say, chill.