So let's get back to nice men. Not because it's a charitable act to like nice men rather than their "cooler" contemporaries--on the contrary; it's totally self-serving. How many women can claim to feel what my friend Amy feels: "I'm going out with a man who listens to me. He notices what matters to me. He pays attention. I know that sounds, well, basic, but it's a first for me. And he acts on those feelings and preferences! Being observed so tenderly has made me feel…cherished."
Do you feel cherished, all ye who are dating men whom everyone calls "hot" and"sexy"--or do you feel a little nervous? Isn't hot and sexy meaningless unless he makes YOU feel fabulous? Do you believe the price of being with a worthy lover is to be forever walking on eggshells?
If that's what your experience is, then I urge you to go against type; to try a another kind of man. A man who makes you feel good. Enough with trying to extract kindness from a withholding man! Enough with hiding your real self because you feel "too big" or "too loud" or too something with a man. Enough with feeling you have to hold yourself back, or lose weight, or keep your opinions to yourself, lest you …what? Lest you overwhelm him.
Please!
Listen, we learn early that we're supposed to be the guardians of relationships; the fixers and softeners and smoothers--the tamers of men. This is an old role, which I can explain in another blog. I remember working so hard, years ago, to get a young, very handsome god to trust me, that all I could think of was, "Yes, he's withholding. Yes, he's suspicious. Yes, he doesn't see that I'm really a good person because he thinks all women are terrors and man-eaters…..but I"LL PROVE TO HIM THAT I'M TRUSTWORTHY." And there, my friends, is the problem. A nice man never assumes you're untrustworthy! He gives you the benefit of the doubt--just as you give him the benefit of the doubt.
And a smart woman doesn't fall for the guy who makes her prove she's worthy (or kind, or loving, or whatever); because such a guy has a need to great to fill. And you, sadly, will simply fall into the abyss of that need.
Here's the acid test: If a man is nicer to everyone else than he is to you (and there are many incredibly attractive men whom everyone adores, who are kinder to their public than to their lovers)--then, my dear ones, you're in trouble. A man who blames you for his problems is a man you will have a nightmarish time with. But a man who may blame others, or the world, or his parents, or himself for his troubles--but knows you're the best thing he ever met--now there's a guy you have a chance with. Because? Because the person he loves is the person he's nicest to. Which is the only way love can work. A relationship is a commitment, right? And if he isn't committed to being sweet to you, then what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like that?
Happy New Year, dearest earthly lovers--may you find love in abundance in 2009.
TLG
Comments